Divorced

Ugh. I hate that word. YES HATE.  Here is another post this year I never thought I was going to have to write......lets face it. I never thought I would would write a divorced post EVER.  THAT would NEVER happen to ME!  I'm going to write about this once...and only once.  No, I'm probably not going to write about the WHOLE story, and no I do not intend to talk bad about Brad.  (He is still Drew's dad and Drew will read this someday and I said I would never say anything bad about Brad to Drew - plus the fact I'm pretty sure his family still reads this, they all know what happened and if they don't then it will come out eventually I'm sure).  In fact, I probably won't tell you the story at all.  I'll give you the short version.  Do with it and think what you want.

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Long story short.

April  - Brad tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants out.

May - He doesn't want to work on things or go to counseling so I file for divorce.

August - We are divorced.

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Is it crazy and weird - yes.

Wasn't I just talking on my blog how he was my rock? - yes

Didn't you just go through a failed adoption? - yes

Didn't you just build a house together? - yes

Was I in complete shock? - yes

Was it the worst time of my life - yes.

Does everything happen for a reason - yes.

After this year can I get though anything - pretty sure yes.

Am I "ok" now - yes

Is this all in God's plan - I believe so, yes.

Do you miss Drew when he is not with you - yes

Are you a stronger and better person b/c of what has happened to you - yes

ARE YOU HAPPY? - yes.  I am happier then I have been in a long time, but it took me a bit to get there.

I heard recently "Life is 20% what happens to you and 80% how you handle it"  I truly believe that more and more every day.  Life is too short to be pissed off and mad at the world because of what has happened to me.  I could choose to sit around and sulk all day and cry out 'why God why!?'  (not saying that I didn't do this in the beginning)  or I could choose to accept it, move on, and think that there is something/someone better out there for me.  I deserve to be treated better, put 1st in life, and have a partner in all things.  I get a second chance at love.  (yes, I still believe in love).  I would have fought tooth and nail for my marriage if my partner was willing to fight as well.  It takes two to make a marriage work and I could not do it all by myself.  I loved Brad with all my heart and soul.  (notice past tense).  No, I do not love him anymore, I will always care for him as Drew's dad but I cannot love him anymore than that.  I know for some of you that will be hard to read, heck maybe even Brad will read this. He is not the same man that I married, the man I married would never have done this to me.  I have no idea where that Brad went.  I've moved on.  Its baffling to me as well how I can love someone so much a couple of months ago, to how I feel now is completely different.  I can only chalk it up to that someone who I thought loved me hurt me pretty deep and also that many people have been praying for me, I've been praying, and God has a plan.

God has a plan.  There is something very annoying but at the same time its true when people tell me that.  I've heard that A LOT the past couple of months/years.  God reminds me of this as well.  I try to control my own life and I have a plan for my life.  NOTHING, I mean NOTHING goes how I plan it.  Every time I make a plan, God says "well that's great...but that's not MY PLAN."  ugh!  I'm working on just letting go.  Yes, I'm still a planner, I'm just trying not to plan so much in the future. :) 


I'm also always, I mean always worried about how my actions effect other people and what are other people going to think, and what people think of me.  I'm getting better about letting that go as well.  I need to do things for me.  I need to do things and live my life that will make me happy and Drew happy as well.  I am an open book for the most part, so if you have a question or hear a rumor, ask me about it.  I'll tell you.  My life is not perfect by a long shot...I am not perfect by a long shot...but you know what?  My life is perfect for ME. Is it how I pictured it growing up as a little girl or even a couple months ago? Not at all.  Who's life is, really? I am accepting where I am in life and I am happy.  Truly happy.  No matter what happens from here on out just know that I am happy, happy, happy.

Drew is happy too.  He is handling this very well, he see's his dad more now then he did when we were together.  I know Brad will do anything and everything for Drew and we are getting along right now b/c that is what is best for Drew.  Like I said earlier, I will never say anything bad about Brad to Drew.  Drew is our world and he means sooo much to both Brad and I.  

Now you know (if you didn't know or notice before) why Brad is no longer mentioned on this blog and probably won't be again ever.  Unless it is used in the sentence "Drew was at his dad's house this weekend"